Why do sharks show up off Cape Cod each summer? They used to come to southern California when I was a kid; swatches of beach closed because of some shark. Do you know what it’s like to sit on the sand and drink those frozen daiquiris that never really taste like daiquiris, but they’re cheap at CVS and anyway you can’t haul a blender and a pound of fresh berries and rum and ice to the beach for frozen daiquiris so you live with the imitation pouch daiquiris while the sun bakes you to a crisp and sand gets all up in your nether parts and then you go to take a dip in the water to cool off and, oops, there goes your juicy thigh in a shark’s mouth. I mean, it’s water and water is for boats and swimming and drinking daiquiris on boats and swimming with your boyfriend while coquettishly tossing one arm over your exposed chest and making that surprised Taylor Swift expression in slow motion after you lose your bikini top by accident on purpose like in a music video- human things, not shark things. You cannot run from the tide to the shore pulling seaweed off your legs to throw at your boyfriend like in the music videos if the shark has took your thigh. I didn’t move back to the coast for this. Seriously sharks, go home, you’re drunk.